So... I've racked up about a thou' in debt in the last few weeks... Maybe more.

But I guess that's what happens when your dad decides to stop helping you out financially. Yeah. He got upset about me dropping out and stopped supporting me financially. I don't blame him for that. He has every right to do that. The person he better still help is my mom. I don't care if they're divorced. He owes her at least that.

Taxes is what really did me over. When I started doing my taxes I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't have a W-2 but I figured whatever other form I had received wouldn't be that difficult. Well, I got exasperated and went to H&R Block. I couldn't have done it by myself, it turns out. Or I wouldn't have figured it out at least. Apparently my previous job had paid me as if I was my own business. So, I had to fill out my taxes in that way. As if I, Aldo, was my own tutoring/teaching assistant business. Because of that I had to pay for owning my own business. Lovely, huh? All in all, I racked up $800 dollars in debt just that one day.

Luckly for me I got a decent paying job. I'm a security guard now. $10 an hour. The only true cost for having this job is having to shave. I had to rid myself of my beard. I nearly cried. Well, not really. But if I had a soul I would have. After my boss asked me how long I'd had it, I realized I've had my beard for about 4 years or so. But it's worth it, I guess.

It's been really difficult. I have no idea what I'm going to do. None.

I know what I'd love to do.

I don't believe I can do it, though. I honestly don't think I can. Not without a radical life change. However, that opportunity may be opening up. A small work trip to Australia may do what's needed. I'd work as a camp ground attendee. I'd dig trenches, plant trees, mow lawns, feed horses, etc. Maybe then I may get fit enough to come back and do my job. The ad to this job said that they would be willing to pay for travel expenses and I'd have a place to sleep and eat there. It would be wonderful.
Then, maybe then I could come back and do what I'd love to do.
Be a firefighter.

But it's ALL in God's hands.

First I need to clear myself of all this debt. Maybe by mid-june I'll be good and ready...

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There's a certain peace I feel. A peace I haven't felt in a long time...


I've dropped out of school.

I will now be marred as the kid that couldn't cut it. Frankly I don't care and I dare anyone to say that to my face.

My dad's stopped calling. I miss him. If anything, THAT'S what bothers me. It also slightly worries me that my mom still doesn't fully understand why I did it.

But I figure all of that will be worked in time.
Much like everything.

Now all that's left for me to do is get the job.

I pray my dreams haven't lied to me. I pray this peace remains.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I want to be who I once was again.
But I don't know how to do it.

I don't want my story to end in tragedy.
Nor those I love and care about.





I'm so worried...
How do I change the end?
How do I change myself?
How do I change the things around me?


I'm drowning in my own filth and debts.

I don't know if I can cut it at Target. I worry that I won't be able to stick to it. I can't stick to much now days.





And I realized something today.
I've been judging quite harshly. Quite quite harshly.

I am in no place to judge.

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I want them scratched out. Torn out. Ripped out. Gruesomely. Violently. From my thoughts.
I want rape to seem a kind and loving gesture comparatively.

I hate it. I hate them. I hate myself. It plagues me. They plague me. All of them. Everyone. I hear them. I see them. I close my eyes. I smell them. They smile at me. They remind me. They call to me. They beg me to come forth and drown in their sweet sweet inexistence.

I have nowhere to go. I have no solace. My life is full of pain. Such blinding pain. I wish to gouge out my heart, my soul, my mind. It’s all lost anyways. I gave it away to the wrong persons, the wrong beings. Or maybe they took it. They stole it.

Now I’m no more than a shadow or a wraith. And I hate. I hate. I can’t stop it. I can’t change it. I’m lost forever to this world I so tirelessly run from.

I’m losing friends. I’m losing opportunities. I’m losing myself. But I guess I was already lost, so I can’t really lose what I didn’t have to begin with.

I no longer write. I no longer talk. There are no more words to explain how I feel. All that I have said here doesn’t even measure to what’s truly being felt. Like a river who’s current can’t be judged by outside appearances.


Why does she count? Why is she there?
I’m a fool! A fool, to have believed anything other than what’s real. A fool to have felt and feel the way I do for her. She barely knows me and I barely know her. But I love her. I know do. I kept trying to say that she didn’t touch me. That she almost hooked me in. But truth is that I’ve been frying on the saucepan for a while now, left to be uneaten. I don’t know how many letters I’ve almost written to her. How many things I’ve thought of telling her. How many things I’ve thought of not telling her. I’m certain I’m not much of anything to her. I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t interfere. Not with God’s work. Not that I could I guess. It’s not like I had much of any shot anyways. She’s so above me. Beyond me.

I guess they all were. I just never realized it.

Oh, if I could escape from all of this. If I could only escape from myself. I hate drinking. I can’t afford drugs. Death would lead me to eternal torture. I have no escape. No refuge.






I guess I just have to deal. I just wish I could forget.

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Is this all I'm really made of?

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