"First of all

When you wake up in the evening and the day is shot
Find yourself complaining 'bout the thing you ain't got
Never crossed just the way that you wanted it to
Cliche of the day, cest la vie that's just

Life, it ain't easy
It's so tough
It ain't easy
(Whatchu wanna do, say whatchu gonna do)
Put a smile on your face
Make the world a better place
Put a smile on your face
(Whatchu wanna do, say whatchu gonna do)
Put a smile on your face
Make the world a better place
Put a smile on your face
(Whatchu wanna do, say whatchu gonna do)

And another thing

You can say that I'm a dreamer and you think it's uncool
Preaching 'bout the better life I learned in school
But you get what you give in this life that we live
And all that you do come back to you

Yo,
When things isn't right there's no need to fight
Come on be nice
No need to fight
Stay polite even when you're hurting don't forget to smile
Give love to (?)
When you do good you'll get your reward
United with undivided we fall
Put a smile on your face and greet one and all

People love you when you smile
And hate you when it's through
Lots of happiness
We are wishing you
If you come from Jamaica or Honolulu, yeah
Keep a smile on your face
I'll see the good that you do

Smile (smile)
And everything will be fine.. "


Ok, ok... so not the same Vitamin C that I need, but it's still a good song. I'm a bit sick and I'm waiting to get past it. Hopefully the REAL vitamin C that I took will help. And the tea. And the chicken soup. And the grilled cheese sandwhich... MAN do I know how to pamper someone that's sick or what? Even if it's my own self that I'm pampering. I guess years of doing it to others gives me an advantage.

Speaking of which,
I appreciate ALL OF YOU wonderful nutangers who dropped some advice. Every little bit helped.
So, I'm proud to say: I'VE FOUND DIRECTION!
Granted it's "an impassible labrynth of razor sharp rocks. And after that, it get's even better! Festering, stinking marshlands, far as the eye can see!"
Ok, ok, ok. So it's not that bad, but I've definitely picked an untimely difficult road. (Major props to anyone that can guess correctly where that last line was from)
After much prayer, thought, and asking nearly every person I've known or sometimes even barely know, I've come to this; I need to live for me. The one who made everything click was my long time theatre teacher, mentor and friend, Mrs. Ingrim. Which I suppose I should start calling her Sandra, since I'm no longer her student... But still.
After telling her how I felt and everything that's been going on she said this, "Well, this isn't anything I haven't heard before. You're always living for someone else. Having to constantly take care of others. ...and if you keep down this road you're going to crash and burn. You're going to be bitter and wonder what could have been. And there's no more that I can tell you that I haven't already told you before."
My jaw dropped.
That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. People told me to pray about it and I grew frustrated, because I felt like God wasn't answering my prayers. When in reality he had been. The fact that I've had SO MUCH difficulty going to school and doing some of the things I've been doing was an obvious sign that I wasn't happy. When people would suggest that I stay and help my mom it made me uneasy. I've been helping my mom out for YEARS now. Since I was practically a child, actually. I didn't want to just stay here and wait for her to pass away or something like that. Who knows how long my mom will have cancer for?! As far as I know, yeah, she could die tomorrow, but also, she could be alive for years and years more always struggling with this. And Mrs. Ingrim is right. I would definitely be bitter about it.
I came here for what I needed to do. Spend time with my mom, my family. Get things straight. But it's time for me to find my own life now. And I can't do it here. School also doesn't seem to be of interest to me right now. Even though this would seem like suicide to thousands of people out there. This is my course of action. I know where I'm headed. I know it may seem like I'm purposely screwing myself over, but I assure you that I would never be happy if I went down those other paths.

So, there it is. I've set myself out on a near kamikase mission, but I swear I'm only saving myself from demise.

If I stay in these doldrums of my life, if I lose myself in trying to save others, I will only break my mom's heart and let everyone that I love and hold dear down, because I couldn't keep myself above water, much less others.


Again I thank you all for your help. It means alot to me. And I assure you, it won't be forgotten.

no thank you, for reminding me of that hideous song >.
» crochetmama on 2006-11-13 11:48:15

:)
» Helena on 2006-11-14 03:44:30

I smile so hopefully people like me??
» kkama67 on 2006-11-16 10:39:01

I'm glad you've found a direction.
It's really sucky when you don't know what you want or what you should do.
I wish I had read your earlier entries when you had written them, rather than ages later. I don't know where I went.

I wish you the best of luck with your mum and everything. Living for yourself is the best way to go though.

P.S. Things are set to change dramatically over the next year. I didn't think things could change as much as they have this year, but they probably will. I'm going to New Mexico in January! :)
» sarah on 2006-11-16 11:37:04

well you need to move into the neighborhood first lol
» crochetmama on 2006-11-21 05:49:29

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