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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Trimming the verge
Thursday. 12.7.06 10:20 pm
I'm on the edge of change.

I think, anyways... I think Robyn and I finally understand each other. We talked last night. And I find it odd that out of all times for her to call she called last night. By "her" I mean Nikki, my ex. She called while I was with Robyn. I don't know why she did. What inspired her. She said listening to Blue October. I didn't answer, but I had text messaged her later after Robyn went home. She said she was sorry for leaving me when I needed someone. I said that she did far more than just that, but I'm sure that she had to do it for whatever reason. I told her that I wasn't going to school anymore and that I may not be around for much longer. She said that wasn't too big of a deal. I said that I felt like I was just losing myself. She said that I was just giving up on myself. I told her that I may be. Her second to last message said "Don't", quickly followed by another text that said, "I'm going to sleep. I'll pray for you." I responded with a simply "you're too late". I don't know what she thought she would accomplish. Nobody ever really seems to fully grasp my life and situations.
In either case, I'm about to tell another person in hopes of some understanding (and who knows? maybe even guidance) in a few minutes. She's on the phone. I left her a note saying to let me know when she has a moment to talk. I'm terrified. I'm ashamed. I feel like just getting in my Jeep, putting all the money I have for gas, drive as far away as possible. Then get out when my Jeep dies. And start walking...
I almost did it a little over a year ago... God didn't let me. I didn't get far... I don't know why He didn't let me. I'm sorry if this is something difficult for some of you to read, but I don't just believe in God, I know He's there. If you don't believe than just humor me and go along with it. It'll help a little to understand me. I would have taken my Jeep had it been working, but I had run over a mail box (another un-normal thing that happened). So I just got up out of my couch and ran out my door. I left my cell phone behind. Nothing but the clothes on my back. I started walking south. I was terribly thirsty after a 3 hours. But I was far more content. I felt like I had gotten everything off of my shoulders. Like I was finally free. So, I decided to stop by Sack N' Save. As I began to walk closer to there I decided not to. I looked too crazy to just waltz on in like nothing. And I knew that there was a risk of bumping into someone. As I began to pass it a truck exited and followed me until it could park in the parking lot next to the Sack N Save to intercept the direction that I was going in. The window rolls down. It was my cousins. I was utterly confused. Shocked. Frightened. I considered turning around and bolting. I decided not to. My cousin Oscar could take me against me will if he had to. He's hardcore. Once, while working on rebuilding a house he cut open his hand and instead of going to the hospital he sterilized a needle and sowed himself up. So I stood there. His wife (my actual cousin) got out and with tears in her eyes came up to me and hugged me as hard as she could and asked me what was wrong or something to that effect. I cried as well. I felt like there was nothing I could do. This was my slave ship taking me back. My warden. They found me. I was so close... So close to freedom. I was to go back and be enslaved to the life I had known and hated. I get home and my mom gives me a huge hug. My cousin Oscar talked to me for a bit. He helped me feel a bit better. He told me things I'd never heard anyone say before, especially coming from a man. Things like how proud he was of me. How he always hoped that his son would be half the man I was. I couldn't help but cry. He didn't freak out at me crying. Later after they left me and my mom talked. All the while I thought my mom had called and sent them to go find me, which would have been crazy enough for them to find me where they found me anyway. But no. After I ran out my mom got on her knees and prayed. My mom and God are far closer than me and Him have probably ever been. My cousins had no idea of anything that was going. My cousin Oscar was supposed to be asleep already because he had to go to work early. They never go to Sack N' Save. They never go grocery shopping at night. Their daughter Ale was the one that saw me. There's a hundred things that normally don't happen that happened that night.
And now here I am.

My mom just called. She's not busy anymore...


Wish me luck or pray. Heck, do both.
2 Comments.


I won't wish or pray
Here's a kiss and my silence. *mwah*
» Silver-dot- on 2006-12-07 10:56:24

I'm w/Silver-dot
except that I will pray. As I have been. For you and your mom.

For your entire situation - in all it's forms - wether I fully understand them or not.
» Helena on 2006-12-08 12:00:10

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