I saw Walk the Line with Moe earlier. Well, Moe and my mom. I never get to see movies with my mom. I think it's sad I see movies more often with Moe who only comes here once in a while, compared to my mom who's ALWAYS here. But eh, I don't feel too bad. I'm here, aren't I? Spending time. It's weird sitting in between them though. They have such opposing views. It's amusing. Neither are wrong. Just opposing.

Sorry. Tangent.

As I watched it again it made me either mad. Or sad. I don't know. Maybe mad because I'm still pissed at my brother, but it should be sad, I guess. I don't know what happened. I think it really may have happened. I always said it. I knew it with certainty, but now here I am, shocked that it just may be true.Maybe all chance of love really was wasted once I buried her. I've thrown my life away haven't I? I've thrown my love away. I no longer want some skank at my side. I do, but I don't. I still want companionship and all the happidily goo-ga that goes along with it. I even fancy the idea that someone may come into my life and we'll get married and have kids and leave all my past as some horrible nightmare that has come and gone. But I know that's not it. That's not real. That's not life. I'm screwed. Been screwed. Maybe things could have gone a different turn. Maybe had I not done somethings, had she not done somethings, had things come out differently, but you know what? It's too late. Too damn late. What's done is done, and as I've said before, "If "if"s and "but"s were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry christmas." Never the less, what does that mean for now? I was placed in the wrong role and I knew it. I remember wondering what the hell was happening during all of highschool. It was as if they cast a leading role to an amateur... Oh wait, they did. Maybe Lord Capulet isn't Romeo, but it's still a pretty sized role. One of the reasons why I took so much to the Dragonlance books. Heroes who weren't supposed to be, and didn't mean to be. And now I'm coming down off all of that ride and realizing all the dreams I had were pointless. I buried them with her. I buried all of it. I'm not even sad and that's what frustrates me. I'm settling. Nay, I want to settle. I don't want big roles, anymore. Heck, I realized the other day via dream, even if she were to come back into my life I'd say no. Nothing can be honky dory anymore. I'm not depressed, I'm just not wanting some roller-coaster ride anymore. I'm too old for it.
Although, that frustrates me too. I wish I was young. I wish I had zest and soul and passion. It's gone from me. I'm a dry human being. Heck, a dry human existing. I try, I trully do. I just don't have that youth anymore. And I envy others for it. I'm too old and too young.
Again, gone...

Why do her words ring in my head?
"I tried it. I tried to do the "right thing". But I couldn't stay away from him. I kept thinking about him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him. I love him, you know? And he finally realized what he had after all of this. So I've decided to give it another try despite what everyone else may say. I've always believed everyone deserves a second shot, no matter WHAT they've done wrong, you know? And he screwed up really big, but I really do think he's realized how much he loves me now."
I don't remember the rest. I had begun to cry. I thought it was stupid. I tried real hard to stop. When she stopped talking I finally mustered the strength to stop. She never knew I cried. Why was I crying. I knew the answer. I know the answer. I know I ignored it. Still doing it. Maybe this is why I have dozens of memories lost. I've placed a darkness over half of my brain. A darkness that keeps me sane. Unfortunately it also shadows a few dozen other things. Maybe. FYI, the illustrious Elizabeth said this. You know, the one that was with Junior. Yeah. Whatever, life sucks...

*hugs*
Hope everything will be better soon..
» Nuttz on 2007-01-04 10:19:49

I agree. You really dont want some skank at your side. That would just be a waste of time. Love will come again and when you least expect it. :)
» kKaMa67 on 2007-01-04 11:46:33

um....yea. *hug* (just take it.)
» Helena on 2007-01-05 07:29:28

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