My crooked door opens with a thud and the jingling of Malleus' collar is heard as he rushes into my room.
Molly peaks her head from around the door.
"Wake up, Aldo! Wake up! You know you wanna get up!"

"...no, I don't..."
(Why would I want to get up?)

"Yes, you do! You know you want breakfast!"

(She's not going to leave, is she?)
*sigh* "Allright, give me a couple minutes..."

She closes the door. Malleus is left inside my room.
He claws underneath the door Molly had just closed.
He goes to the other door and attempts to open it.
He meows.
He meows again.
And again.
He meows one last time, but with more of a frustrated sound to it, and walks towards my window. Completely ignoring me.
He never meows. Ever...

That's when I realized,
This is the bright new beginning of the same old crappy kind of day.



I feel quite awkward here.
I had to find music first on the computer to listen to.
The placed me in the center of the computer lab and... well... it pretty much freaks me out. The music makes me feel a little safer. A little more seperated. As if everything outside of my computer screen is just some form of background screensaver, with students coming in and out, picking up their printed pages, shuffling papers, continuing about their routines.

My college years are and have officially been the worst years of my life.

I envy everyone around me, with their smiles of recognition of their friends, their purpose filled walks, their talented dispositions, with their hopes, dreams, and the world in their hands. They know not what they own. What they have. What a precious jewel it is to have so much opportunity. So much knowledge.

All of this may very well come to an end soon for me.
It's not much of a loss really. I never exactly fit.

I'm in here to do my defensive driving course, which I should have done an age and a half ago.
But you know me.
I'm lazy. I don't plan anything. I don't think things through. I don't remember much.
You reap what you sow. You reap what you sow.
And frankly, I wish I had taken up crocheting.

I guess that's why I don't have many friends. The few I do I have a hard time connecting with. Is it me? Is it them? What's wrong with me? Why must I have such a heavy head? One which drags me around and causes me to struggle to even lift myself up to see others eye to eye.

I don't have any money for this course. But I need to do it.
I'm such a fool. Such a fool for thinking that things would work out. I think God wants me to suffer. I think he enjoys my struggle. What His purpose for any of this is, is beyond me. Does He even have a purpose for all of this? Am I just making stuff up? Did He ever really speak to me? I don't know what to think anymore. My troubled mind has a hard time grasping that which it used to.

A drop out.
That's what I may become.
My mom received a letter from Wellsfargo. I don't know what it says. My mom's not good with the translating. I did get the impression, though, that they want me to start paying back my loan. The first loan I got. I haven't even received the second loan. The 8 thousand loan. The loan that's supposed to have paid for this semester. This faux semester, which begs me to stay, yet isn't paid for. I don't even have books. Not a one.
I can't afford this.
I'd need two jobs. Possibly three.
My mom isn't working still.
My half-ass half-witted half-brother with his two bastard children somewhere out there, which none of us have ever met, is staying at my dad's. Trying to get a job, he says. It's been months. He's a certified nurse. Fat-ass brother is taking the money I need. Taking the money my mom needs. His 35 year old self can cope.
Unfortunately my dad has decided that this is one of his finest moments to pay for his sins he commited in his past.

In the end, I'm the one who's paying.

So, I may yet be a drop-out. Just like all the statistics. A mexican drop-out. It'll do my father proud, I'm sure. And let's not forget the reputation that comes with it. "Aldo didn't graduate? Why didn't he? He's so lazy..." People will come up with the best assumptions that Satan could buy. And he'll just sell it to more people, "Well, Aldo didn't finish college. Why should I?" I shouldn't have to carry all those kids on my shoulders, but I knew what I was getting myself into.



No one knows. No one knows what I'm going through. No one understands. No one seems to even try and figure it out.
I guess I'm not much worth it.

Man, you sound like a Puritan.
» randomjunk on 2007-10-10 09:19:48

I thought that if you were going to school you didn't have to pay back your student loan. I didn't and my husband didn't, just as long as it was full time. It's how we cheated the system for a year because we didn't have the money at the time. Man it sucks that you may have to start paying it back while you're still going... :(

I hope things start to get better for you soon.
» Katrina on 2007-10-10 09:49:50

I should of made this private...
» elessar257 on 2007-10-11 02:58:26

I hope things will go well for your after this. I may not know much about student loans in America but I know that being on your own with so much to pay sucks.
Look at it another way, maybe you'll be able to find a solution that way.
» Nuttz on 2007-10-11 03:17:28

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