Is it odd that I miss it?

Yeah yeah yeah. I know it's late and I know I should be asleep...

But I'm stuck. Caught. Like when you're getting out of your car and your jacket gets caught in the car door. You were in motion and that sudden jerk from your clothing jolts you back to reality. Or something like that.

Well, I got caught by my own music.
Well... not MY OWN music, but the music I used to listen to. I wanted to listen to something different than the usual drab that I hear while I worked on my essay. Well, I've been done for an hour now, but I can't seem to tear myself away from this music.

At first I thought, "Jeez! How did I NOT know I was depressed??" but then this horrible nagging feeling started creeping up inside of me. "This is good music." it said. "This makes me feel... I miss THIS." And that's when I stopped. Wait, WHAT? Did I just really think that? Why in the world would I miss THIS?! I mean, it was horrible depressorama. But I realized, I really DO miss this. I miss that feeling of destiny, that feeling of passion, of power, of LOVE. So WHAT if I thought the love of my life was some tramp that doesn't give me two seconds worth her time to even think about me?! It felt... REAL. STRONG. Unbridled. Passionate. Wild. Intense. ...and it's gone. Gone. I fixed myself. And I'm not better off for it. I mean, I'm NOT, right? Sure I don't feel suicidal or like I am stuck in some horrible story by dostoevski anymore. But. Is it worth it? I mean, did I really make progress?

Even Kristina has admitted to it.

She calmed me down the other day from it. But did that make it any less true? Did it change anything? I don't think so. I think she's right.

I think I really did lose a part of my soul with her. As long as I kept mourning her I at least had that part of my soul. And now... it's gone.

The worst part is... I still don't feel anything.
Sure this is disturbing and quite concerning, but there's this part of me that says "What can I do about it?" and shrugs.

Have I really finally accepted apathy?
Is this what plagues me?
And how do I defeat something like apathy?
Can I even defeat apathy? Or am I too apathetic to really try?

oh well

apathy can be defeated if you forgive your past, and move on, instead of trying to solve a problem you are experiencing, or have caused, or whatever.

some people mistake apathy for caring too much about something, and not being able to do anything. it's nto that you don't care, it's that you can't do anything to fix it. if you really accept that you can't, then you'll be okay.
» thaitanic on 2009-09-24 09:28:51

I like your comparison at the beginning...even though that isn't too relevant to your entry's subject matter :P.
» Mockiller on 2009-09-25 12:31:11

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