My head feels kinda funky.

I might be getting sick. I contemplated the irony of the possibility of me getting swine flu and dying from it. I doubt I will, but still. Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants?

Nevertheless, I'm up playing Zuma (For those of you that don't know, it's an addictive game at popcap.com. You should check it out.) and I realize how this is actually the highlight of my day. Just me, playing some game. Trying to beat the score. Trying to reach my goal. And then it hits me, how sad is that?
Unfortunately, I also answered myself.
It's not as sad as what I'm trying not to think about. Not as sad as what's really getting to me... Sure it's birthday, sure nobody's coming to a birthday party I'm not having BECAUSE no one's showing up, sure I don't really have friends anymore, but that's not what got to me.
I looked at their wedding pictures. There they were, happily ever aftering. And it got to me. Like the tree sap that sticks to your skin and even soap & water have difficulties defeating it. And it's still there, as I type, this thought of "Why wasn't I there?" Why wasn't I invited? Did they consider me that bad a friend? What possible wrong could I have done to merit this, on their most happiest of days. Am I that guy that they say "Well, we definitely don't want to invite him!" or did I even get that? Was I even thought of? Me. The one who may have possibly set them straight! Me! The one who did my best for both of them! And it clings to me and it won't let go; This nagging feeling that they're not the only ones. This isn't an isolated situation. And it comes to mind the things others have said... The excuses. The diverted comments of "well... you still have the people from church..." when I bring up my lack of people. My lack of friends. My lack of love.

And all at once, it dawns on me.

What am I doing here?!

What am I doing here? I mean, really? What happens now? I get a job finish school and magically people will come into my life? Even then! What am I doing here? I don't want to stay here! I'm planning on leaving at one point in my life anyway! So what am I doing? Why am I staying? I need to leave! I need to LIVE!
I don't want to leave her behind. Sometimes... I think she is why I stay.
But every day I stay, a little more gets chipped, a little more gets cracked.
You see... if I really do want a clean slate... well, I need to wipe off my past. Everything that drags me down. And you know what? It's nearly everyone in my past. It may be my fault, it could be theres. Or maybe it's like what the groom, my ex-close friend, used to say, "...it's a two way road."
If I hadn't spent all my tears here in this place, if I hadn't had so much tragedy in this miserable city already, I would cry now. For Chris, Junior, and Mandy; the friendships I've accidently left behind. For Robyn, and everything I never helped her to become. For a family that's broken and can find no solace in me or who I've become. And for everyone else who has no clue to what's trully going on.

I'm sorry. But I have to go.

Maybe this is why I can't find a job...

I don't think it's meant to be gender biased. I think it's pretty generic and could go both ways. It's also something that a LOT of people do, this comic is just kind of cruel to point it out. But sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
» Zanzibar on 2009-09-28 09:55:28

do what you gotta do to be happy!
» thaitanic on 2009-09-28 10:38:41

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