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I am
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Wake up
Friday. 10.2.09 2:28 am
I woke up late today.

Although, that's getting less and less common. I'm going to sleep late nearly every night. I'm gaining weight. I'm jobless. Peniless. With no real future and no real plan.

I don't know why but things have recently been getting to me. Things that would have never crossed my mind. Things that would have disgusted me to the core. But I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what road to follow. My heart lies in my past, strewn in a savage mess by those I've left behind. But that was the road I'd follow. That was the me I came to love. Now, there's a harder me. A tougher me. One that has been born of pain and suffering. One that knows how to endure. ...but it's failing. Like the tin woodsman frozen solid by his own flesh, by his own protection. I no longer care. I no longer move. Thus I am trapped within this self that I've created to protect me.
But what do I do? How can I follow a path that was for another me? How can I travel down a road I no longer care about? Why must I find attractive that which used to be my enemy? Like I heard this phrase the other day, and I don't know how to feel about it, mostly because I agreed with it...

"Nothing kills the spirit like poverty."

And I couldn't believe it, but I agreed. For a good solid moment I agreed. And then I caught myself. What?! What am I believing? This doesn't sound like me. But is it true? I crave it so much now. I dream of it at night. I nice home. Friends. Family. No real concern. Why? Is this a ploy to bring me down? Or have I gotten it wrong for so many years?
No! It cannot be! Money cannot be the answer to life's problems!
I will NOT allow myself to believe such rubbish!
...but can I really afford this bohemian view? Now that I'm older. Now that I have a home, a broken car, half a dozen pets, and all these memories, can I really risk it all?

I can I feel it. It's getting closer, now. The breaking point. The snapping point. The point where everything goes horribly awry, yet rights itself by doing so.

I cannot stay like this. Something WILL happen.

It's as though I'm stuck in some indie flick, the kind you can't understand and hardly even has a point. It's incessentily monotonous consistency that devours the span of time and space, as if all things in all of time don't, won't, and never did matter. You know the kind... Well, I must escape. I'm in the wrong story. This is not my life.

Otherwise, I fear I may go insane.





I may simply start by running.
I need to lose this weight. I know to show myself and the wolrd that I am in charge.
I read this about some guy who lost 257 pounds on yahoo earlier. It got to me, too.

It said, and I quote:
"With determination and discipline, Bedford slimmed down, losing 257 pounds in two and a half years. That is slightly more than half his original weight.
As Bedford's wife, Marna, points out, that's the weight of two people, which she said was hard for her to wrap her head around.
Bedford has lost the equivalent of what a refrigerator weighs, or two outdoor grills, or 10 buckets of wood stain or 13 jumbo boxes of laundry detergent."

Gee. Thanks. I get it. I'm fat.

Well... this isn't WHO I am. It's just WHAT I am, and I'll show you.
3 Comments.


you should write a book. i'd read it.
» thaitanic on 2009-10-02 09:31:15

re:
If you were at my school I'd give you a member application :P
» Mockiller on 2009-10-03 01:31:09

i get your point. =)
» merrick on 2009-10-15 09:11:41

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